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Successful couples never let these financial mistakes ruin their relationship
If you believe money causes tension in your relationship, you’re not alone.
I’ve spent the past two years interviewing and studying more than 60 couples and the ways they come into these conflicts. I’ve learned that love has little to do with it. You can love each other deeply and still allow money to erode your relationship if you’re talking about the wrong issues, or not talking about them at all.
People often focus on the problems right in front of them: missing a bill payment or spending over the monthly budget. But these smaller transgressions can be a symptom of a bigger issue you and your partner haven’t identified yet.
The happiest couples don’t let these money mistakes ruin their relationship:
1. They don’t stay locked into old financial patterns
Long ago, you and your partner may have decided to do something one way, and you’ve been doing it that way ever since.
A good example is splitting your expenses down the middle and having separate bank accounts. At the time, you were earning similar incomes and were just starting your lives together. It made sense. But circumstances have changed, and maybe one of you earns more money, or you’re having kids, and the logistics of this setup are more complicated than helpful.
My advice is don’t approach your partner about making big changes during a heated conflict. Raise the subject when stress is low and attention is high. You don’t need to make a dramatic change overnight. Instead, use incremental steps to work toward a positive shared goal.
2. They don’t get stuck in the shame of their own stories
We all have things we wish could’ve gone differently. But the story you tell yourself about a situation might be completely different from someone else’s. You might see your student loan debt as a challenge to overcome, while I see mine as my biggest financial regret.
The stories we tell ourselves about money matter.
Shame, whether from the past or present, can trap someone into a cycle of fear and guilt. It clouds judgment and stalls progress, especially in a partnership. It might even convince someone they don’t deserve a good life.
As a partner, you can’t wipe their shame away. They may need professional support. But you do need to understand the weight they’re carrying in order to have honest, vulnerable conversations. Only then can you tailor your support to help them heal.
3. They don’t hold setbacks over their partner’s head
Not every poor financial outcome is the result of a mistake. Sometimes, you take a step in the wrong direction. When that happens, you both need to be able to move on.
For example, holding credit card debt, even for a short time, is a frequent source of regret, even if it was necessary in the moment. Failing to let go of your partner’s setbacks can damage their self-worth and confidence. The result can cause them to believe they aren’t good with money, or even worse, that they don’t deserve to have a say in financial decisions.
Letting go of regrets can be as simple as writing them down, or as complex as working through them with a professional. But above all, never be the one to make your partner feel shame over money. Be their support and let them grow from it.
4. They don’t constantly fixate on what they don’t have
Having a “never enough” mindset goes beyond money or careers. It’s fueled by constant comparison, especially on social media. When you fixate on what you don’t have, you keep trying to fill a bigger glass without ever feeling full.
Those expectations aren’t always realistic or aligned with your goals as a couple, which is a slippery slope that can turn your partner into a moving target. They could begin to feel like they aren’t enough for you, either.
“Enough” doesn’t mean “everything.” Set aside time to talk about your real priorities and set those as your benchmarks of contentment, not the idealized version of success you see on social media.
5. They don’t lie about about how they use their money
Financial infidelity can break trust in ways that are as harmful as adultery, because the betrayal directly impacts your livelihood as a family.
For example, hiding income from your partner, making a massive purchase your partner wouldn’t agree with, or even taking on debt in one or both of your names. Healing from patterns of lies requires radical transparency from that partner, along with a willingness to listen, evolve, and improve.
And if you really don’t feel free to spend money in your relationship, that’s a conversation worth having. Rather than setting rigid spending rules (or even worse, “allowances”) that fail to account for each person’s household responsibilities, set a check-in number that you’re both comfortable with. Anything below that amount is fair game.
Strong couples know that handling money together is about values, trust, and communication. If you commit to facing the real issues together, even tough times can become building blocks for a better relationship.
Heather Boneparth is the co-author of the upcoming book, “Money Together,” and the director of business and legal affairs for Bone Fide Wealth in New York City. With her husband, she co-writes The Joint Account, a weekly newsletter helping couples talk about money.
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