Good communicators ‘have a tolerance for discomfort’

Brené Brown’s ninth book, “Strong Ground: The Lessons of Daring Leadership, the Tenacity of Paradox, and the Wisdom of the Human Spirit,” published last month.

The University of Houston research professor, podcaster and bestselling author recently went on The New York Times’ podcast “The Interview” to discuss the book’s various themes like courageous leadership and discipline.

On the theme of communication, journalist Lulu Garcia-Navarro asked Brown a frank question: “Why do you think we suck at it?

“We don’t teach people how to communicate well,” Brown responded.

“Good communication is vulnerable,” she said. “It’s hard. You have to have a tolerance for discomfort if you want to communicate well and honestly. And that’s at every level in an organization, in a family. It doesn’t matter.”

Effective communication is about being clear and “using the right words to describe what we want to do, what we mean and what we need,” Brown said. It’s about calling someone instead of texting.

“Tone is lost on text,” Brown said.

And it’s about taking accountability when you’ve said something that upset someone. “I think behaviorally, no one’s taught how to do that,” she said.

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Experts agree we could all learn to communicate better. As it pertains to taking accountability, specifically, it can be challenging to keep your cool during a difficult conversation. When conflicts arise, try using the following phrases.

• ‘It sounds like what’s most important to you in this situation is …’ This is a phrase career coach Phoebe Gavin previously told CNBC Make It she recommends using. Paraphrasing the main point of someone’s argument helps show that you’re listening.

• ‘It makes sense that you feel that way,’ Alison Wood Brooks, associate professor of business administration at Harvard Business School, previously told Make It. This phrase helps you lead with empathy if the person you’re speaking with seems especially upset.

• ‘I want to make sure I understand,’ multiple experts suggest. In conflict, it is key to validate the other person’s feelings and perspectives. This phrase helps you do just that.

Try keeping these phrases in mind when you’re having a tough conversation. “I think communication has never been more important than it is right now,” said Brown.

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